1 in the morning

Its 1 in the morning, and a I'm a bottle of wine in, and I miss you.  I'm trying to move forward.  Trying to see other people.  My heart breaks to lose you.

But this was your choice.

You drove when you shouldn't have. You pulled away.  You stopped talking.

When I needed you, when I lost Matthew, you weren't there.  You left me alone.  Because you were selfish enough to believe that I was strong enough.

I wasn't.

I needed you to put aside your own demons and recognize mine.  I needed a partner.  And for the final time, you proved to me that you were not that partner.

I loved you with all my heart.  You own the formative years of my life, the years when I developed a concept of what it was to love outside of my family.  My heart was yours for so long, long before you wanted it, and even now when you haven't earned it.  Even those years when you quit talking, when you forced me away, my heart was yours.

But its not enough now.  I need more.  I need someone who will eat brunch with me, and love me when I'm telling them I'm angry, and know when I'm hurt before I tell them.

My aunt told me that it comes down to wanting the same things.  And this is true.

Alcoholic adolescent isn't cute anymore.  It hurts me, and it destroys what I want.  It destroys me.  I killed myself once before for you, I refuse to do it again.

Goodbye, the great love story of my life.  1:30 in the morning is hard without you, but someday, it will be easier for me.

I hope and pray that it will be for you.